i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
