Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
