So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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