I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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