You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The power of my boobs compel you
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
