For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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