matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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