she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
