I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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