Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
