The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
