wakey wakey hands off snakey
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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