Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
