oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
even my farts smell like vagina
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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