Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
