and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
