i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
