Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
