oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
