This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
