bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
