if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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