I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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