Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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