Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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