Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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