having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
