After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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