That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
