Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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