I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
