There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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