Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
