I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
