Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
