I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
