im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
