i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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