She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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