And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
