you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
