I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Randomize
