And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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