____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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