you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Vodka?
Forever.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
