Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
