I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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