It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
