My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
