my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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