I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
