Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
